Main section

From bed, table, kid…


"Hun we marry, Hun we divorce ..." is perfectly covered by the famous verse of Sándor Weöres: today every second marriage is dissolved.

Child, table, child

Awkwardly many "opt-outs" carry the burden of family breakup. Depressed parents, not infrequently depressed, find it difficult to help them. It would be good for you to prevent more serious grief. But this requires awareness, unity and boundless rule between the parties involved.

Double burden

Every household has more difficult stages. If both are capable of making serious efforts to solve the problem, most of them can be overcome. The desire does not disappear without trace, it leaves behind warning signs, it changes the mind, feelings, and contemplation of the couple.
But there is one who collapses under the pain of suffering in the last period, has no power to re-establish the relationship, gives up. There are also people who think that choosing a simpler, clean sheet can get you back to life, you can finally start with your new family in return for the happiness you expect. When they make a decision, they have no idea what to expect. In the event that the adult has to complete his own internal struggles, the request is as big as his load: how to help the child during difficult times? How to reassure the little one when he himself is in the deepest hell of hell? How do you tell her that your safe family is breaking up?
The answer seems very simple, but it is not easy to do. The child should always be told the truth, in the simplest way possible, in words, possibly with as little fervor as possible. You can, of course, feel (and feel) that the baby is very sad, which does happen, but you should not be overwhelmed by the agitation of the adult, his / her affections, and his / her inertia. It's bad if this conversation starts like "that junk father / mother…". Whatever the other parent has done, we must not deprive the child of the opportunity to continue to love him. It's not the kid who wants it, it's the parents!
Naturally, calm talk requires great control. Especially when it comes to the parent who is with the child, who knows very well that he or she will have to deal with all the problems of choice lions all the time.
There is no need to make a long speech, just the facts and the times that are ripe for man, but parents do their best to make it easier for them. I also assure you they are not divorced. This is very important, because most kids blame themselves the story.

Kids about the election

In 1981, New York Vintage Books published a collection of 11-14 year-old children's experiences of choice. (The Kids Book of Divorce) According to the kids (and the professionals) parents should absolutely clarify the following with their little ones:
- Parents do not love each other, but they still love their children. Choosing does not mean that they also want to break up.
- That decision was very difficult, but they couldn't find a better solution.
- Where and how will the separated family members live after the election?
- How often can they meet with a single parent, will it be a regular meeting?
- Why do parents lose their lives? Kids can make sense and expect honest choices.

Who's wrong?

It is almost inevitable that the child will feel guilty about the loss of the family, as one of the basic perceptions of parents is that they believe they are perfect. You can only feel secure in this dark world if you give your parents almost divine power: father and mother are omnipotent, perfect, protect you from all trouble.
He insists on this belief, even if the outsider can clearly see that he is doing the stupid, making a mistake. For a child, it is more tolerable to know that they have caused trouble in the family than that the parents are weak, impenetrable or injustice. The pre-school minds are still impressed with the fantasy of the truth. Even if you were "destined to hell" a parent, he would almost certainly be convinced that "the conceived" was the cause of everything.
The above line of reasoning may seem overwhelming, but it is often found in pediatric psychiatric surgeries that childhood guilt is caused by mortality in the soul after the death (or the death of a family member).
Ranschburg Jenх:
Mбgia
I remember once beaten Dad,
because I was bad. Set in a corner…
I cried and hated him very much,
because he taught me in the midst.
I used to draw circles on the wall with my light,
and a secret signal to the circles,
never beat me again,
And let it go!
We don't have us now. Went
very many days ago…
and I hate the one in the door
in the evening her father's blood.
Mom says she left me,
but it will come when the lawsuit ends.
Only I know it can't come because of me,
believe me!

What does ubiquitous feel like?

Fear of divorce: it loses the safe, unalterable family unit you once lived in. Any other small change in your life, whether it's on your agenda, in your room, or in your surroundings, is especially sensitive.
He almost clings to the parent, he wants to be with him all the time - he can also relieve anxiety with violence, often filling up the bed with the parent he is so attached to. Falling asleep can be very difficult, scary, as it is also a form of separation.
Its behavior may decline to a previous level of development, you may have problems that you have already resolved (passionate finger sucking, squirting, sleep problems). If the parent interprets this to mean that the child takes time to process the broken hardships, he or she will become more patient and expect improvement.
Concerns can also prevail in school. Because you are not familiar with abstract concepts, you can also interpret separation as fatal.
Often both parents are equally assured that he chooses and loves him. In these cases, he is not lying, but he is touching the senses of the present ruler. This is confirmed by the fact that the parent is legitimately interested in such manifestations.

How does the school feel?

In addition to the fears, he also has some sadness. You can even completely surrender to the events of parenting, renouncing your own desires and goals.
He may be self-confident, dare not talk about his feelings because he has lost confidence in his parents. He found it dangerous to speak, because he would never know what to do if he formulated his senses.
Otherwise, he tries to consciously control the parent-child relationship: by behavioral attempts to outwit small gifts. Here the objects are the handrails and the proof that the parents love him.
The distant parent almost adheres to the distant parent. You may also experience physical symptoms (stomachache, difficulty breathing) when moving or making a choice.
Sometimes you have to consciously try to steer your attention: if parents are so worried about being lean, they are now starting to eat something (and only eating secretly).

We are behind

We have examined what influences the success of adapting to "lost life" in the following:
- What is the relationship between the parents and the child after the marriage?
- How well is the life of the family after the election?
- To what extent did the election fulfill the parents' hopes? Was the choice a good solution to the problems you had encountered, or did you finally regret the decision?

Everyone against everyone

Most families have a difficult time after the election. As Jen Ranschburg remarked: "When filing a lawsuit, they generally" just don't like each other, but by the time the election is done they hate it. " It can even happen that everyone turns against everyone, the life of the family members is completely overwhelmed by the anger, using each other against the "other side" so that they do not even realize the amount of harm they have to their children.
It is terribly difficult to handle the situation with calmness and prudence, for the soul of both is grieving, if not, the appreciation will surely flutter. Instead of "I'm a normal, worthy person," it now means "only one nobody's person can do this" or "only one person who does it". With this consciousness, you cannot live together for long. Divorced parties should justify their actions whenever possible. This is the reason why even parents who are able to make a "cultured choice" themselves have a hard time stopping them from engaging in a fight.
There are countless ways to do this. These include the following:
- Parents start to rival: both of them expect a letter from the other: one must win the child by denying the other.
- The parents use the child as a messenger: "tell that… mother."
- Parents tell their child secrets (like new life sugar) that other parents should not divulge.
- The parent teaches the parenting principles of the other parent and allows the child everything when he or she is with him or her.
- The parent uses the child as a spiritual garbage can, inflicting on all his sins.

What does the child do?

He will be aggressive, expressing anxiety with anger. It closes, and, in a frightened, anxious, helpless way, picks up the headlong play. It is constantly on the mind: how can he survive this day, to overcome the awful situation.
Because his thinking is completely overwhelmed, there is no way to deal with other things around him: he does not pay attention to the space, forgets to take a lesson, loses his subjects, does not practice, and does not take interest in anything. The parent only sees it as immature, brings some, trehann, doesn't learn ... That the puppy is freaking out with him when he has so much trouble ...
There's more to the kid - nothing better than the first one. You can take advantage of the tension between parents, blacken one before the other, punish one, and go to the other, who naturally protects the other - and vice versa. No one can escape victorious from such an alarming situation.
It's best not to go into these games. It's worth overcoming your controls and discussing your problems with the other parent at a white table - at least now that your child's interests are urged by the conversation. It can be of great help to a family therapist or a mediation service that is available to everyone.
In mediation, a specific problem (child placement, sight, choice, other conflict) is brought to the table so that besides the disputing parties there is a so-called mediator experienced in conflict management. The role of the mediator in keeping the conversation within a cultured framework is not to let disputes become impartial due to the prevailing sentiment. Helps the parties to reach a mutually acceptable and enforceable solution.
Related articles:
  • How to deal with the child at the time of choice?
  • Choice: She wears the little ones best
  • You left alone?
  • 12 tips to choose from